


Tali and the Terrible Flirt

by Lemon (lemon_sprinkles)



Series: Downtown Eastside [11]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: And adorable Shep and Kaidan, Cute Tali, Downtown Eastside Universe, Embarrassed Ostrich Garrus, F/M, Fluff, Gift Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 20:54:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12328698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_sprinkles/pseuds/Lemon
Summary: Back in the day someone once said that flirting was the art of making a man feel pleased about himself. Tali was having none of that shit.Downtown Eastside Universe





	Tali and the Terrible Flirt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Snowybiscuit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowybiscuit/gifts).



> Written for the lovely Snowybiscuit as a thank you for their support on ko-fi as well as on this site! Much appreciated, peach. A Garrus/Tali piece was requested set within the Downtown Eastside universe. Hope you enjoy!

 When Joker and Garrus finally broke even after their purchase of Palaven they splurged on a luxury item—something they’d always wanted but had never been able to obtain. Garrus quickly went out and upgraded his paintball gear, explaining to Shepard as he inspected sniper scopes that paintball wasn’t just some kids’ game—it was a _lifestyle_. Garrus believed that his skills and abilities were comparable to, or even _better_ , than a legitimate marksman’s.

 Shepard left after Garrus began stroking the display case of a rifle.

 Meanwhile, Joker was finally able to pay the insurance on his baby. He was finally able to drive his beloved Normandy.

 Years ago, before Shepard had even met Joker, he and Edi had purchased a 1965 Ford Mustang Coupe from an old man out in the middle of nowhere. According to Joker, the car was a mess when they purchased it. The bottom had rusted out and the engine shook and rattled in its frame, it leaked every conceivable liquid, the interior was cracked and falling apart, and they were pretty sure a raccoon had made its home in the trunk for the past twenty-eight years.

 But Joker and Edi loved it. Every inch of free time was spent repairing the car and making it what it once was. The interior was stitched back together, plush black leather replacing the cracked and bare-bones of before; the body was repaired and buffed with tender care, a sleek dark blue and white stripe motif complimenting the blindingly bright chrome, and the engine was completely replaced. Eventually, after years of hard work, the car purred and rumbled like she did all those years ago.

 And then they named her the Normandy. She was sleek and beautiful but with the tough muscle car aesthetic to compliment her.

 But insurance was expensive, and it wasn’t until Shepard had known the couple for two years that he saw the Normandy’s maiden voyage from the garage out on to the open roads.

 Still, despite the work and effort put into her the Normandy was still an old car, prone to breaking down on the side of roads or grumbling down the street, bouncing her passengers from side to side and up and down as she strained to get them home. And so Joker would spend hours in the garage tinkering away at her, making her shine and purr for his next highway drive.

 This gave Shepard ample opportunity to partake in the time-honoured masculine tradition of sitting next to Joker in a lawn chair, beer in hand and a cigarette dangling from the other, watching with mild interest as Joker wedge himself halfway into the bowels of the engine.

 “You know, that belt isn’t looking to good,” Garrus drawled, flashlight in hand as he peered over Joker’s shoulder.

 Joker stopped his tinkering, shoulders stiffening. Slowly he pulled himself out from under the hood of the car and sat back down in his wheelchair. He was still gripping his wrench, hands covered in grease.

 “Did I ask for your commentary, Garrus?” he asked.

 “Nope.”

 “Then don’t give it to me. I know the belt’s a mess—I haven’t had time to replace it yet, but I will. Anything you have to say about this car I already know.”

 He went back to work while Garrus shot Shepard a small smirk.

 Garrus knew a little about cars, but he pretended to know a lot whenever Joker started in on the Normandy. Always full of advice and careful reminders, Garrus would poke at Joker just to get him to start up on one of his speeches about being the ‘best damn driver’ in the greater Vancouver area, and the ‘best damn mechanic’ in the greater British Columbia. Some days it took more prodding than others.

 Today seemed like it would be a short one.

 Taking a sip of his beer, Shepard sat further back into his chair, steering clear of the incoming scuffle between the two. Palaven was being fumigated—a yearly tradition—and so they were both barred from their business. This meant Garrus had more time on his hands, and when it wasn’t filled with calibrating his paintball guns he busied himself by poking Joker.

 Shepard just liked to watch the spectacle.

 “You staying for dinner, Shepard?” Joker asked over his shoulder. “Edi’s making ribs.”

 Shepard’s stomach grumbled at the thought.

 “Can’t, unfortunately,” he replied. “Kaidan’s coming by in a bit and we’re going out for dinner with one of his friends.”

 Garrus sighed and leaned against the side of the Normandy. “Careful, Shepard. You keep talking like this and we’ll think you’ve finally become a responsible adult.”

 “Who’s whipped,” Joker added, although much more muffled—almost as if he hoped Shepard wouldn’t actually hear it.

 “Fuck off,” Shepard mumbled, cheeks burning.

 “What about you?” Joker asked. Sitting back in his wheelchair, he peered up at Garrus.

 “Might as well,” he said with a shrug. “I’m not tied down to anyone like you two are; I’m a free man, able to eat ribs at anyone’s house whenever I please.”

 “You regularly go wandering into people’s homes when you smell ribs just because you’re single?” Shepard asked.

 Garrus chuckled and pushed himself off the Normandy. Approaching Shepard, he leaned down and grabbed his shoulder. “Joke all you want, Shepard, but at the end of the day, you’re the one whose entire social life is now dictated by someone else.”

 “Least that someone else touches my dick. When’s the last time you didn’t have to fill that role yourself?”

 Garrus at least had the decency to blush.

 The sound of a car pulling up interrupted any retort Garrus was failing to come up with, and Shepard looked over his shoulder to see Kaidan’s sleek BMW park itself right in front of the driveway. Standing, he pushed past Garrus and made his way over to the car, narrowly dodging the passenger door as it swung open.

 Immediately Tali appeared, eyes wide and locked intently on the Normandy. It was as if she teleported over to where Joker was. One second she was beside Shepard and then the next she was talking to Joker, attention fixed entirely on the inner workings of the Normandy. As if on cue and not at all startled by the sudden appearance of a bushy haired, excitable young woman, Joker began bragging, his baseball cap shoved up so he could watch Tali take in ‘his baby’.

 Shepard quickly lost interest in the exchange as soon as Kaidan appeared. It was time to take in _his_ baby.

 “Hey,” he said, accepting the brief but solid hug.

 “Hey,” Kaidan replied, kissing his cheek.

 “How was the airport?” he asked, letting Kaidan steal a sip of his lukewarm, mostly finished beer.

 Kaidan shrugged. “It was alright. Tali’s jetlagged but she’s hit the delirious stage, so I think we’re good for another hour or two before she crashes.”

 “How long has she been travelling for?”

 “About twenty-four hours at this point.”

 “Shit.”

 Kaidan chuckled. “She’s used to it. I think she got more sleep on airplanes than she does when she’s at university.”

 With the small-talk over, Shepard gently pushed Kaidan against the side of his car and kissed him, cupping his cheek as he did so.

 Kaidan accepted the kiss, and Shepard could feel the ghost of a smile as he deepened the embrace. He hadn’t seen Kaidan for a good six hours. He missed him.

 When they broke Kaidan’s arms were wrapped around his waist, his thumbs hooked under Shepard’s belt loops. They remained where they were, the excitable yammering of Tali and Joker only a vague noise in the background.

 “And how was your day?” Kaidan asked.

 Shepard shrugged. “Hung out; listened to Garrus fuck around with Joker; watched Joker fuck around with the Normandy. Drank beer.”

 “Sounds exciting,” Kaidan replied.

 Shepard shrugged again. Stealing another brief kiss, he pulled away and finally looked over to see Tali had managed to tuck herself right under the hood alongside Joker. From what Shepard would make out, they were talking about alternators.

 “Give her time and she’ll turn Joker’s car into a spaceship,” Kaidan said.

 Patting Shepard’s butt as he passed, Kaidan greeted Garrus and Joker before joining them around the Normandy, leaving Shepard alone. It was only then, as he lit another cigarette, that Shepard noted what Garrus was doing.

 Standing awkwardly beside the Normandy and looking more like a gangly scarecrow than usual, Garrus stared at Tali like Tali stared at the Normandy. Shepard would have laughed at Garrus’ expression had it not been so unintentionally creepy, and he felt a sudden and very rare desire to spare Garrus from any potential embarrassment. If Tali caught Garrus staring at her he was fairly certain his joke about Garrus ‘handling himself’ would be a reality for a very long time to come.

 “I’m hungry,” he said—loudly. “Can we pack up this car party and get some fucking food?”

 Kaidan patted Tali on the back and nodded his head toward Shepard. She eventually emerged, a bit of grease already on her cheek and a grin the size of Canada on her lips.

 “Your car is amazing, Joker,” she said.

 Garrus was still staring at her.

 “Hey, thanks. You’re welcome to come over sometime and help me with some of the upgrades I’m planning. See, I was thinking of—”

 “Food!” Shepard yelled again.

 “I’ll get your number later,” Tali said as Kaidan physically started pushing her toward his car.

 Shepard opened the door and let Tali jump into the front before slamming it shut. He was just about to get into the backseat when a hand grabbed his wrist and physically dragged him from the car and off to the side.

 “What the fuck, Garrus,” Shepard said, taking his hand back with a sharp tug.

 Garrus shoved his face in close to Shepard’s, blue eyes skittering from side to side.

 “Invite me to dinner,” he said.

 “Garrus, you’re an attractive guy and all, and we did have that moment together at that Halloween party when I had on that red wig, but you’re really not my type. No offense, but—”

 Garrus punched his shoulder—hard. “Just invite me to dinner.”

“Is this because of a certain curly haired woman in the front seat of my boyfriend’s car?” Shepard asked, waggling his brows.

 “W-What? No, no I’m just… I just realized I don’t want ribs,” Garrus said, backing away from Shepard. It was as if he realized how close he’d gotten to Shepard. Close enough to re-enact the red wig incident.  

 Shepard had known of Garrus’ little crush on Tali for some time. After he’d had seen her at the back-to-school party a year ago he’d unsubtly try and bring her up again, asking questions such as ‘How’s Tali doing’ in the middle of an otherwise unrelated conversation. Garrus was normally a fairly relaxed guy, suave with the people he dealt with and more than a little flirty with the female patrons at Palaven, but just the mere thought of Tali seemed to turn him into a lanky ostrich stuck in a fence. 

 Shepard kind of felt bad for the guy. But the prospect of being trapped next to Garrus in a restaurant booth while bearing witness his awkward flirting was about as appealing as the prospect of going back to the Eastside butt naked with a sign that said ‘Shank Me’ placed in front of his dick.

 Still…

 “Fine.”

XX

  “—but you’re allowed one cheat day, you see, once I come home. Everything there is kosher so you just fill up on rabbi certified meals and you’re allowed to eat whatever you want when you’re in Canada.”

 Shepard raised a brow as Tali explained why it was perfectly acceptable that she was eating a gigantic bowl of pasta that was certainly not kosher friendly. Kaidan seemed entirely nonplused by the topic at hand, attention fixed on his own bowl of pasta with mild interest as he sat across from Shepard. He suspected Kaidan had heard this speech before—many times, in fact.

 Garrus, on the other hand…

 Garrus kept shifting around in the booth next to Shepard, elbows and knees knocking Shepard in the side as he moved from one position to another. It was this bizarre dance he was doing, where one minute he’d be leaning across the table, elbows almost in his plate of food as he watched Tali with rapt interest, before he’d suddenly realize that he was coming on too strong, and he’d sit back and drape his arms along the back of the booth, almost grabbing Shepard's peck a few times in the process.

 Shepard was ready to pummel Garrus. Not only had he invited himself to their dinner, he’d prevented Shepard from sitting next to Kaidan. Shepard wasn’t the most socially adept guy in the room, but he wasn’t about to subject Tali to the calamity that was Garrus, and so he volunteered to sit next to him.

 It was proving to be a mighty fucking sacrifice. All he wanted to do was press his thigh against Kaidan’s and steal bits of chicken from his pasta bowl, but instead he had to battle the colossal fucking mess that was Garrus Vakarian.

 He’d be laughing if he weren’t so pissed off.

 “So how’s Palaven going?” Kaidan asked Garrus.

 Garrus’ attention swung over to Kaidan, and he looked as if he’d just been asked ‘how desperate are you for a fuck’.

 “Uh, it’s going well. Yeah, really well. Karaoke night is going strong, we’ve got some new craft beer coming in. It’s going well, yeah.”

 “You own a bar?” Tali asked.

 Garrus nodded, and he returned to his ‘casually disinterested’ pose. Shepard moved subtly to the side, desperate to avoid another boob-grab.

 “Yeah, it’s nothing much—just a small place on the edge of the Eastside. I started it up right out of university. It’s my first business venture, but I’m hoping to expand in the future.”

 Garrus and Joker had never spoken about expanding, and the bar was far from being on the ‘edge’ of the Eastside, but Shepard kept his mouth shut.

 “Very cool. Do you serve kosher beer?” she asked, and Shepard could tell she was honestly interested.

 “No, not right yet. But if you give me some suggestions…” Garrus winked.

 It was creepy.

 Kaidan shot Shepard a look from across the table that told him he was on the same page.

 Tali was grinning.

 “So what else do you do, Garrus?” Tali asked, and Shepard could feel every muscle in Garrus’ body clench when she said his name.

 Shepard moved an inch further away. At this rate, Shepard figured he’d be sitting on the floor by the time the cheque came.

 “Well, I play a lot of paintball…”

 Shepard figured admitting you play paintball wasn’t exactly the way to ‘get the girl’, but then again, he’d never attempted to get a girl in his life. Maybe they were in to such spectacularly dorky things like paint-fucking-ball.

 “Oh?”

 “Yeah, I’m kind of into it. Been playing for about ten years now, have a few high scores around the greater Vancouver area. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve got the best scope accuracy in the province.”

 “Neat,” Tali said, and Shepard could see she wasn’t all that impressed. Garrus certainly looked impressed with himself, however.

 “I could teach you sometime, if you wanted to learn how to paintball,” Garrus suggested.

 Kaidan made a movement with his mouth—sort of like a fish—but no noise came out. Shepard shot him a look, and all Kaidan could do was wave his hand around before Tali spoke.

 “What would you teach me?” she asked, and Shepard could see a glint in her eye.

 Garrus seemed oblivious.

 “Oh the basics. How to aim, how to hold your gun, simple stuff like that. With me as a teacher I’m sure you’ll learn quickly.”

 Tali leaned forward. “Sounds interesting. Tell me, do they have paintball guns similar to the M-16? That’s the weapon I carried with me while I was in the Israeli military.”

 Shepard slowly turned his head to look at the masterpiece that was Garrus’ face. His mouth was hanging open slightly, cheeks bright pink against his pale skin, and there was a fear in his eyes that reminded Shepard of that one time he'd almost careened off the side of a cliff into a river.

 Shepard grinned; Kaidan hid his smile with a mouthful of food; Tali quirked her brow and tilted her head to the side.

 Garrus looked like he was screaming on the inside.

 “You uh… you were in the military,” he finally said.

 “I did my _mandatory_ two year service, yes,” she said, stressing the mandatory part, “but I didn’t actually see combat—I was just stationed out in the desert. The most exciting thing to occur was someone lit a tire on fire. Still, I know how to use a gun. I was top sniper in my bootcamp.”

 Garrus nodded, finally managing to close his mouth.

 “I guess you’re going to have to prove your statement that you’re better than an actual combat veteran, eh, Garrus?” Shepard commented.

 Garrus looked at him with a fury he’d not seen since he quit Omega.

 Shepard winked at him.

XX

  _[1:24 AM] Vakarian: Did she ask for my number?_

_[1:24 AM] Vakarian: Because I wasnt sure. She seemed interested right?_

_[1:25 AM] Vakarian: Because theres something sexy about a girl with a gun. Right?_

_[1:26 AM] Shepard: I’m trying to sleep dude._

_[1:26 AM] Shepard: Im also trying to sleep next to a man. don’t ask me about women._

_[1:28 AM] Vakarian: Imagine Kaidan with a gun._

 Shepard sighed and rolled over to look at Kaidan through the gloom of the dark bedroom. Kaidan was lying on his back, chest rising and falling gently. He was asleep. Squinting, Shepard tried to imagine Kaidan in battle gear holding a rifle, his shirt slightly open, exposing his hairy chest with a pair of dog tags.

_[1:34 AM] Shepard: Yeah sure it’s sexy._

_[1:35 AM] Vakarian: So did she say anything about me? Did she ask for my number?_

_[1:36 AM] Shepard: As soon as we got back into the car she fell asleep. She was jetlagged._

_[1:39 AM] Vakarian: Well did she talk about me in her sleep?_

 Shepard dropped his phone down on to the floor next to the bed and curled up against Kaidan.

XX

 Morning. Or close to. Shepard was woken by a buzzing on the bed and the mumbled curses of Kaidan. Raising his head he peeked over Kaidan’s shoulder to see it was Kaidan’s phone making a fuss. Groaning, he pressed his forehead against the back of Kaidan’s neck.

 “Who’s texting you at six in the morning?”

 “Tali,” Kaidan mumbled.

 “At _six_?”

 “It’s three in the afternoon for her,” Kaidan said.

 Shepard tightened his arms around Kaidan’s waist.

 “I was having a dream about you in camo,” he mumbled, “tell her she interrupted that.”

 He heard the swish of a message being sent.

 “Did you tell her?” he asked.

 Kaidan hummed. “No. She asked if Garrus asked for her number.”

 Shepard raised his head and looked over Kaidan’s shoulder to verify the lie.

_[6:03 AM] Tali: oh lol also did garus ask abt me? :D_

_[6:05 AM] Kaidan: Yeah. He wants your number._

 “She’s actually interested?” Shepard asked, resting his chin on Kaidan’s shoulder.

 Kaidan made a noise in the back of his throat that told Shepard he was just as shocked as he was.

 “Tali’s always been a bit… unique.”

 “She used to have a crush on me,” Shepard mumbled.

 “Point still stands.”

 Shepard squeezed Kaidan gently.

_[6:10 AM] Tali: can u give it 2 him?_

_[6:11 AM] Kaidan: You actually want his number?_

_[6:11 AM] Kaidan: ???_

_[6:12 AM] Tali: idk he’s weird. I kind of like it lol._

_[6:12 AM] Kaidan: I fear you._

 Shepard fell back against the mattress, arm still draped over Kaidan’s waist. He was almost asleep again when Kaidan made a strangled noise in the back of his throat.

 “What is it?” Shepard mumbled, eyes still closed.

 “She sent me a message earlier that I missed,” Kaidan said. He rolled over to face Shepard, and Shepard cracked open an eye to see a series of three messages before she asked about Garrus.

_[4:43 AM] Tali: Joker’s car was amaaaaaaaaazing lol_

_[4:43 AM] Tali: Can u send me his number???_

_[5:03 AM] Tali: Plzzzzzz????_

 Shepard started laughing. He knew it was rude to laugh, but just because he knew didn’t mean he was going to stop.

 “It took her almost two hours to remember Garrus?” he asked, still laughing.

 Kaidan joined in, although a little less obnoxious. “Yeah, seems like it.”

 Garrus would never find out. It’d be Shepard’s little secret that Tali picked a car over Garrus. But Shepard supposed that if Garrus wanted to a date a girl like her, he’d have to get used to being second-best to a greasy engine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Check out my tumblr, lorastyrell.com, for more mshenko goodness!


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